The Kettle of the Monk

Having an Obsidian Stout in the Mission district, San Francisco.

It's...

Mentioned, but not seen in Flex Fantastic: Doggone Troubles. His wife, Mandy, was seen speaking on the phone to Flex's girlfriend, Susan Smucker. I guess ol' Monty really was out saving kittens after all...

A Knot of Scabs

This is Dewclaw. He's a Maublet from the Peliotes. Specifically, he is from the island of Iola located deep within the archipelago.
For those of you who have seen Carnage Cream, he's the guy you hardly ever see who is wearing  the big helmet with horns.
For this new comic, he is the medic/cleric of the group. Too bad his religion is alien to his comrades. Sometimes they simply do'nt understand his analogies. But, they do appreciate him for this widely known fact: Maublets are medicinal.
You see, since they have descended from toads, many of these people have exciting chemical properties. Some are psychoactive, some are poisonous, and some make you drowsy. This is why a lot of Maublets are hired out as mercenaries, medics, apothecaries, and/or assassins.
Most folks think that licking a Maublet is the way to procure the venom. In actuality, one has to pop a wart to suck the juices, ingest several of the scabs, or drink form the parotoid glands (which reside in place of nipples).
So...why are all of the Maublets letting people lick them??? They're perverts. It's also a good way to assassinate someone. Plus, human saliva is a natural moisturizer.


As you can probably infer from the text above, a common slur thrown at a Maublet is "scab". Most people just do'nt understand what it means to live with dry skin all of the time.

Chewisdope

Bring forth your toad riders!

Throughout the Peliotes, toads have been harnessed as the primary source of transportation. Maublets use giant toads for travel, hauling wagons and coaches, as well as plowing farmlands. They also have a cavalry of toads ready for war.
The ride can be a little jolting, but it has been effective enough for the Maublet civilization to thrive...

Chew

The Peliotes

Two Maublets, or Peliotians, in traditional clothing.

Out beyond the western shores of Natamer, just past Imbernia (or part of, depending on where you're standing), right in the middle of the Peliottan Sea, lies the Peliotian Archipelago....or more commonly, the Peliotes.
This island chain is made up of thousands of islands, islets, and rocky outcroppings. Each island is unique in its own way. There are a great variety of flora and fauna to be found here! But despite all of its differences, toads of varying sizes and shapes can be found throughout most of the Peliotes.
Along with the toads are the local inhabitants. A society of human-like creatures that descended from the long line of toads. So, they are often called the Toad People. Or the Peliotians or....
Well, truth be told, due to the Peliotians being spread out across a lot of islands, you find that each clan has its own personality and variation based off of the general society that can be found throughout the entire archipelago. Because of this, there is an ongoing disagreement about what to call the walking/talking folks that live there. They actually had several wars in the past over what to call themselves. Never really solved.
Usually, a Peliotian will insist on themselves and all other Peliotians (except those which they do'nt like, who get special distinction) as being from the island of their birth. For instance, someone from Faralon will insist that all Peliotians are actually called Faralonians. Except for the scum from Pawpaw. THEY are merely Pawpawians. And who does'nt hate them???
But really, most of these beings are called Maublets by the outside world (except by outsiders who are married to Peliotians). This is because the island of Maub is considered to be the birthplace of all of the Toad People. It is from there that they rose. It is that island which is sacred to them.
Plus they never stop talking about the place. It comes up at least once in every conversation with a mainlander. So, it stuck.
Maublets, ya'll.


Chew

Just in time for Halloween! It's the Hargon Special Pin up!

Hargon the Boor and the Mighty Aphrodite

Chew me up into very little pieces, spit me up and Chew me again

There's another Queen at the party...

This is Arioux, the Black Queen.
She likes liquorice and black jackets.
Together, with Philippe, they  rule the Pretty High 90-90 House.

Chew

The Queen has come to claim his throne

This is Philippe the White Queen. He is a fixture at the Pretty High 90-90 House...which is a large, ramshackle Victorian-styled house where eccentric people come together to party. Nicknamed the "Bunny Huggers", many of these individuals seem to exhibit a flair for the 1920's era.

They also have a propensity to polish off a mixed drink, know as a gush. This is gin and garlic juice.

Philippe is one of two queens of the ball. His costume is made out plastic bubble wrap...which kind of sparkles in the light. People love to pop his bubbles.

This drawing was done several years ago with ink and...magic marker, of all things.

This is all a part of the Worm.

Chew

Kip Klondike

Here's the promotional art (and possibly the cover) for Kip Klondike, my little comic book project for the rest of this year. I will post a few panels here or there, depending on my progress. Uhm ... oh yeah! Before I forget. Expect this blog to undergo some drastic changes very soon. All I can say is ... it's gonna look better. A lot better. Possibly a store too?


Muar har har har ... koff, koff!


- Jeff Tuffenstuff

Globster's Incredible Bad Movie Rating System versus the Giant Sucking Wound Part Second and a half

I've devised a rating system based off of how a movie makes me feel...instead of how it makes me think. The movies that fall under these parameters will be horror, sci-fi, fantasy, exploitation, grindhouse, eurosleaze, trash, B and Z grade films....you get the idea.

There is no numerical score or symbol. From high to low, there is only a title to define my feelings towards a particular piece of cinema.

FACE MELT = It's Amazing! You make people watch this movie.

SEMI HIT = You never saw it coming.

MAGGOT STORM = It eats you up. It's so bad, it's good.

SPARKLING BODY SHOWER = Yeah, it has its moments. It's a pretty decent flick.

HATCHET HEAD = Average. Pedestrian. Nothing Special.

DEVOURED BY DOGS = A disappointment. You may end up liking it or hating it, but somehow you feel cheated. 

EYE GOUGE = What the hell was that???

INTESTINAL PURGE = You gag. 

HELL HOUSE = You are ready to destroy the very film you are watching and everything associated with it.

SAWDUST = Boring, boring, boring.

FLESH EATER = Unwatchable.

Plus....

A REALLY astonishing scene in a movie, good or bad, can merit the "MINI-MELT" rating. For example, the vomit scene in 'The Exorcist', or the face-melting scene in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' could be considered Mini-Melts. Like a FACE MELT, but smaller!

Chew's your fate!

Choose...choose...

Superbad ...

Like Chew, I'm taking a small break from Carnage Cream. So if you liked the weird wackiness and just plain strangeness of the characters in Flex Fantastic ... Gilbert Goo's for you. My posts will be a bit more sporadic for the rest of the year. I'm focusing my energies on a new project, which if everything goes according to plan, I will debut at Fluke next year. Wish me luck!


- Jeff Tuffenstuff

REvolt!

This is M.R. and his friend Speicher (in the window, goofing off). They live together in a squat along with Spider, Celia, and a basset hound named Rolando. Many others drift in and out of the place, but the four remain the core group.
After M.R.'s girlfriend broke up with him, he kind of lost it. He quit his job and became a road rat. During one of his journeys, he met Spider, who was going to see his sister Celia (and Rolando). She was squatting in an abandoned house she found in outer suburbia. Spider invited him to stay at the squat...now dubbed Rolando's House. Shortly after settling in, Celia invited Speicher and his girlfriend Ann-Elise to join them.
Ann-Elise, unfortunately, had a myriad of drug related problems and promptly vanished.
Speicher stayed and the group became a family.
These characters came to me in a dream entitled "Do'nt Eat Rolando". Yes, it actually had a title.
M.R. is perhaps one of the most important characters in The Black Worm. He is a fairly competent artist who shunned art school because of its "rigid structure" and "myth-perpetuating institutionalization".
He enjoys drawing all of the weirdos he sees skulking around his neighborhood. To his great joy, he discovered a "colony of furverts" several streets away from Rolando's House.

Interestingly, I have absolutely no plans to feature M.R. in a comic.

Maggy Muckalee

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may have noticed that Jeff and I have been totally geeked up about this new Carnage Cream project we have been working on. It is the culmination of years worth of interests enjoyed by us and a few friends, as well as that which sparked the mountains of derision heaped upon us by others.
So...I thought a little change was in order.
Aside from continuing on our D&D/LOTR-styled parody (which, incidentally, has grown like a large post-it shaped fungus on my dining room walls, and the 5 by 6 foot map of Secunda Terra growing on my hallway wall), I have also been working on my other project, The Black Worm. I am several pages into two books for this series. I would like to be able to finish one up before the next Fluke, but I ca'nt promise anything. We'll see how things turn out. I should have two new Hairballs and a totally new title (completely unrelated to everything else, but a sort of companion piece to Flex Fantastic.... sorta) by then.
The image you see above is from the Worm. Her name is Maggy Muckalee. She is one of the major-minor characters in the series.  She is a Riverling, a semi-aqautic river person, as well as the caretaker of Edith Fishbinder.
You might see her in a book one day.

Chew.

Creamy Goodness

A giant slime mold cultivated and grown over a century in old Zwieback's castle. No one can remember exactly why the project was started or what it was for. When the slime mold was accidentally rediscovered by Kaweezel, a young wizard-in-training, it was locked away in the lower levels of the catacombs, trapped and left to rot for all eternity. But rotting is something mold seems to thrive on ...


Beware the secret door. Beware!


- Jeff Tuffenstuff

                                                     

"Beneath the bones of shattered homes
The Whiskers lie in wait,
For the Fusty hordes who do adore
A Whisker on a stake..."


from the Whisker Poems

....CHEW....

Born under a Bad Sign

Grizzlebeard, practicing with his favorite
throwing axe: Cleaver III

It's no big secret that Rootbeard the Ranger is my favorite character in the Carnage Cream-verse so far. I have a special place for Flik and Hippalonia in my heart, but Rootbeard ... that dude is just fun to draw. And because I loooove him so much ... I'm going to bore you with his family history! You're welcome!


All real rangers trace their family roots (ha! get it?) to Lonebeard, the Ranger. He explored, kicked butt and tamed wild beasts. And decided his sons and their sons should do it too. A few centuries later and a little procreation ... and the Ranger Rules were born:


1. You must be able to trace your lineage to Lonebeard, the First.
2. You must explore and gain dominance over a harsh and unexplored land.
3. He who proves worthiest, will become keeper of the Lonebeard Shrine and become Master of Lonebeard Mountain.
4. You have to grow a beard. A long one. And you can't cut or wash it. Ever.


So who is the guy in the picture? It's Grizzlebeard. Rootbeard's father and keeper of Lonebeard Shrine. He's dead now. And his three sons are trying to get control of the grand prize (see rules above). The oldest brother, Shroombeard the Stiff, is looking for a Monacraton (a mythical, giant-sized insect) in the Rasadian Desert. The second oldest, Thistlebeard the Seaman, is on a sailboat headed toward Ichanthia. And Rootbeard the younger has decided to stay close by and make a name for himself and explore Darkwood.


And before anybody thinks I've run out of "creamy" titles ... 


"Born under a Bad Sign" was a song written by Booker T. Jones and William Bell, and later covered by ... (wait for it) ... Cream! On their album Wheels of Fire.


- Jeff Tuffenstuff

In case you ever wondered what otters sounded like...

I recommend that you listen to number five on the list...


http://www.soundboard.com/sb/Sea_Otter_Sounds.aspx

Lutria, my land o' tis of thee, how I long to look upon your lovely fishing industry...

Eoardic of Gludheim

At last! Finally we come to to that little place on the far side of the world....LUTRIA!
Sitting next to the Styrian Ocean, Lutria is made up of streams, creeks, burns, kills, licks, brooks, rivers, rills, rivulets, lakes, ponds, pools,swamps, bogs, marshes, lagoons, inlets, estuaries, coves, bays, sounds, fjords, canals, & ephemeral waterbodies in the west. It is the very definition of a wetland.
The primary inhabitants of this land are a race of four foot tall talking otters.
Not unlike the Vikings in our past, the Lutrians are noted explorers, boatmen, and fierce warriors.
Although highly adept and frivolous in the water, they often use boats to get around. This is mostly for practicality. There are many occasions, at home or abroad, that require the transport of passengers or cargo. Another reason is for safety...especially when travelling the waters of the Styrian Ocean. Many dangers lurk within those waters. One of the most feared creatures is that of the megalodon. It is a giant shark, reputed to be around 70 feet in length. That's a mighty big appetite.
The Lutrians have come into contact with the various peoples that live in and around Messpit. This is mostly for trading (although, there are some Lutrian pirates out there), as well as joining up with the Fellowship Industry in order to achieve wealth, fame, glory, and to legally cut people up.

I came up with the Lutrians for a roleplaying game that Jeff developed several years back. In it, the action revolved around a place called Darkwood. I went a little overboard whilst creating my character, and ended up creating his whole world....right down to maps, food, politics, religion, and the sects that were breaking off from the main church. Sadly, my little guy did'nt really make it that far into the field of action. But he left behind a legacy, one which I continued to develop.
Alas, poor Eoardic...I knew him well....

...And one more thing. The writing you see in the image is obviously futhark (old runic alphabet). Over the years, I decided that they should have their own writing style, no matter how viking-like they were. So I began the long process of language development...which is still under way.

Ogres, Ogres, we all scream for Ogres...

Due to their unusual parentage, ogres come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes. The race of the mother will often determine the size of the ogre. For example, if the mother is human, the creature will be smaller. If the mother is trollish, it will be larger. Add diet and exercise and you've got yourselves an ogric smörgåsbord.

........chew

Yum...Ogres

There are many dangerous creatures on the world of Secunda Terra. Trolls, chitterlings, Narcissians, redcaps, and things that I dare not speak of in this blog. Perhaps the most foul, the most odious, and the lowest form of monster is... the Ogre.
Ogres are the spawn of humans and trolls. Both races consider an ogre to be an abomination.
When a male troll takes a female human, the chances of that mother surviving the birth are rare. However, when a troll female takes a male human (the reports seem to indicate that this is an extremely high number), the mothers often survive. The human males do'nt always make it, though.
The offspring are either immediately destroyed or, as is often the case, thrown out into the wild where they are expected to die. Most will perish, but some manage to survive. There, in the wilderness, they scratch out a living amongst the sticks and weeds searching for  meat...fresh or dead.
Due to a ravenous hunger, ogres will often attack almost anything that moves...including each other. For this reason, they are mostly solitary creatures. There have been, on a few occasions, large hunting parties of ogres spotted wiping out entire villages (the "Crimstock Massacre" is reputed to be one such happening). It should not be assumed that these creatures can formulate complex thought patterns. The majority of them are not able to communicate except through a series of shrill, ear-piercing screams, barks, grunts, and howls. When you hear one...you run!
Female ogres enter estrus every 3 to 5 years. Because of this, and cannibalism, there is generally a low birth count amongst the population (not that anyone could really count! Ogres have not been very receptive to captivity. Many will continually beat their heads into bars or walls until they die. Restraints are just impossible! Plus all of the screeching makes people want to kill them outright. Really, really annoying). Somehow, they eke out an existence in the peripheries of the world. This has led some to speculate that troll women must have some kind of fetish for human males. Maybe it's because they're more docile and easy to push around. Who knows???
In trollish mythology/religion, it is believed that the "line" of ogres was created when Ogrellico the Missing, one of the heads removed from the troll god Imbrd Druw during its civil war, Da'a Wahr'r utj da'a Ea'hrtatz, went off and spied a human female, with whom he fell in love with for her long golden hair. He took her to be his consort, and using his avatar (Ogra-Mink), was able to mate with her. Unfortunately, she died in childbirth. In anger, he cast the child off into the forests. This was the first ogre, named so after its father: Ogrellico. After this, the godhead vanished. It is said that he will return in a thousand years.

He's late.


P.S. It has been noted, and very rarely, that there have been several successful human/troll marriages. Their offspring have been, although somewhat wild and not too intelligent, ogres of a relatively mild nature.

Chew

A Hair in Yer Bog

A-ha! Deep within the confines of Darkwood, along with many of the other foresty areas in our fabled world of Secunda Terra, resides the WOODWOSE. These wily creatures are none other than feral humans who have long gone off the track of civilization. For far too many reasons too go into, these poor saps have coagulated deep in the wilderness...away from those who have shunned them. Surviving on  flora, fauna, and the odd enchanted critter has turned these previously domesticated folks into wild men and women!
Then they mated and made little beasts.
Fear of outsiders as well as predatory creatures have made the Woodwose, or Woodies, a mite violent towards anything they consider threatening or strange. Extra care needs to be taken when entering a forest. One must have a vigilant set of eyes opened at all hours. Especially at night! There have been more than a few wanderers who have been silently dragged off into the dark.
Generally, these creatures can either be found alone or in small bands called  "manus pilosum" 
or "pilbants", which is a Messpitian colloquialism.

In this image we see a Woodwose attacking the gallant woodsman,  Root Beard the Ranger.

Chew

Cream of the crop

Don't venture too far inside Darkwood. They're watching. Of all the dangers inside the old, rotting forrest, the Narcissians may be the most dangerous. Well, according to them anyway. Narcissians believe they are the most evolved (and therefore, most superior) species in the known realms. The words arrogance and narcissism come from their language. Along with anger issues and a healthy dose of xenophobia, the Narcissians are the last thing a group of weary adventurers want to run into. It's a good thing their borders are clearly marked ...


- Jeff Tuffenstuff

Kernlhutz Da'a Agrta'ar

The twelfth century is best remembered as a time of the Trollish incursions and eventual capture of the territories of the ununified peoples of the Western Lands. The Trolls swept down from their refuge in the Carapace Mountains to conquer the Lands Below (or the Low Countries). They quickly established "The Protectorate", or "Da'a Bkrudk'akdk'urhrdka". In many places, it is still known as "The Curse".
The Trollish Incursions were part of a holy war known as a Grahrnryanrgh. The Trolls raided and pillaged, turned many people into slaves, and imposed their own religion on the remaining populace.
Trollish artists were in high demand due to a re-education campaign put upon the new subjects.
The best known of these artists was Kernlhutz the Elder. Already advanced in age, Kernlhutz was an expert printmaker. His usual mode of expression was found through the use of stone engravings. He was also known as a devout follower of Imbrdism, the Trollish religion. Prolific throughout his life, his engravings glorified the life of Imbrd Druw (as well as explored the facets of his many heads).
His images were used in pamphlets that were widely distributed amongst the conquered peoples. These pamphlets were also the first to burn in massive bonfires after the fall of the Protectorate. Within fifty years of it having been established, civil wars broke out within the Trollish Empire.
By that time, old Kernlhutz had already died. He was blessed to have passed on before the downfall--and spared the indignity of seeing his creations destroyed by a hostile, ignorant and unsympathetic population of cretins.
Except...it was widely rumored that Kernlhutz was poisoned with red lead by one of his jealous, younger competitors: Cuspinian, the Master of Tzwaya'dk'kepkhrk.
Now, he is all but forgotten. The Trolls have vanished and with them the memory of a once talented artist.

Tchew The Other

The Eater of Stones

This is a depiction of the Troll God Imbrd Druw created by the famous 12th century Trollish artist Kernlhutz the Elder.
Originally, Imbrd Druw consisted of a variety of 27 heads. Constantly bickering, the heads plunged into a civil war. At the end of the conflict, 8 heads were removed, 2 were devoured, and 1 went missing.
These are called: Da'a Ayaghedk
Da'a Ahrdkanr-Unratz
Ogrellico, Da'a Mgyatzanr
The remaining heads are known as Da'a Tzyach'dka'anr.
The heads have the ability to create an avatar, a physical representation of themselves removed from the Godhead. Oddly, their combined forces are not strong enough to make the body move wherever they want it to. So, the body moves on its own accord, the heads continually bicker with each other (Trolls love a good argument...not a debate), and the avatars go off and perform whatever functions the heads wish them to.
It should be noted that "Druw", from Imbrd's name, is pronounced as "tarowa". This has been misinterpreted as "Troll" (there is no 'L' sound in the Trollish language. There is only a 'W' sound). Due to the fact that Trolls are religious zealots, people picked up on the commonality of the word 'tarowa', and eventually turned it into their name for the race of foul, militaristic creatures: "Trolls".
Instead, Trolls call themselves Da'a Tzdkunratj'okartz. Their language is called Tzdkunratj'okartz Dkonrgh.


Da'a Chewa

Creme de la Cream

Mage-Mites. Pesky little critters that eat magic. They're teeny, tiny and voracious. But something strange has happened to the species ... a growth spurt. Intelligence. Language. Tribal and complex social behavior. In just three generations! And they are all led by this guy: Shrew Khan, the Uniter. He's a direct descendent of the Receivers (The first Mage-Mites to get bigger and smarter). He's mean and ruthless. He's paranoid. And he will stop at nothing to destroy the legend and the myth of the Darkmis'th Giver. He will not stop until he is made god-king. All hail Shrew Khan! Titan among the small. Conquerer of the tall.

Did I mention that all of this happened in just under two months?

– Jeff Tuffenstuff

Leeches and Cream

Zwieback had a fortress. He was a king (self proclaimed, that is) and a conquerer. He employed mercenaries, alchemists, inventors, wizards and all sorts of nasties to protect what was his and what would soon be his. He created a mystical think tank to create new and unstoppable siege weapons. The Leech King is such a weapon. The theory is simple: Castles have moats as a defensive measure. Leeches live and thrive in moats. Create a magical device that can summon and command those leeches to infiltrate a castle and fight (and destroy) any resistance within.

Now, what are the chances that our new fellowship will run into the early Leech King prototype whilst trying to rescue Fandalf? If I where a betting man I'd say ... well, I don't know what I would say, but it would be something really cool and it would let everyone know that I held held the winning hand, or number, or chip, or ... whatever. And then everyone would cry, because the win was so awesome ... sorry. I believe that was a tangent. Focus. Fellowship. Right.

Fellowship meets Leech King. Bloodsucking and death follow.

I hope someone remembered to bring some salt ...

Jeff Tuffenstuff

Hrrgus

...Hrnrta eara ea tjoch'yanr yatz. Hrrgus, da'a Eya Mg'uonrdk'hryanr Tzdkunratj'okar, pkyaketz! Ia!

The updated version of Hrrgus...

C.

Send in the Trolls

One winter, many, many years ago...Jeff and I came up with an idea for a story. This was the previously mentioned Biskit storyline. After the concept went on hiatus, I decided to do my own tale in that same world---in the same forest. Taking place 10 years after Biskit's tale (which was to be told after his demise). Biskit, now Zwieback, was reputed to have left a vast treasure hidden within the confines of Haelfern Forest (Darkwood!). Whether this was true or not, did not matter, for word quickly spread...where it eventually made its way to the Trolls.
His interest piqued purely through his greed, Hrrgus, the High Mountain Troll, descended to make his long journey to Darkwood.
As Biskit has been reconstituted, so has Hrrgus. In the process of re-exploring his story, I also developed the Trollish language for him and his kin to speak. Example: "Ghadahr tjoch uod'dkhr mgi tjhrka ihr ghhr-tahrmg'ta mgodahrtjok'nrtz. Yamg hr tjokyanr ghuta! Yagr krogk i'hrgr!!!
That's really hard to type. You can speak it, though.
So, the image you see before you is the original Hrrgus design (with his captive, Aric) from about 2002 or so.

And by the way....
Jeff and I took a trip up to Athens, Ga. this past Friday to go to Drew Weing's Set to Sea book release party. It was located at the ever fab Bizarro-Wuxtry comic shop.
It was pretty neat, but alas, the heat got to both Jeff and I VERY, VERY quickly. Apparently I was beginning to turn red...and that was inside the shop! Plus there was a longer than usual car ride up there...
But really, Set to Sea is a cool little book. If you get a chance, check it out and his blog as well. Congrats again, Drew!
http://www.drewweing.com/

...Chew...Chew...Chew...like S.O.S. but not...'...'...'...'...'...

Death a la creme

He skulks in the shadows, relentless and wild
in his search for a tender, delectable child.
With his steely sharp claws and his slavering jaws
oh he's waiting ... just waiting ... to get you

From the Bogeyman by Jack Prelutsky

The legend of the Bogeyman has been around the villages and towns of Messpit for hundreds of years and has been used by parents to scare their children into behaving properly. Tragically, infant death has skyrocketed in recent weeks in the village of Swineford. Is the legend of the Bogeyman true?

The Bogeyman is actually a pack of Bugbears that make their home deep inside Darkwood and venture out for a "snack" every so often. They normally hibernate for most of the year and hunt during the late summer months. Due to an abnormally warm winter, the bugbears have started hunting and feasting early. Easy pickings, until Hippalonia, Warrior Amazon of Nilbrest, is hired by the villagers of Swineford to protect them.

Just because there's a new fellowship with a new mission, doesn't mean former fellowship members have been slacking.

–Jeff Tuffenstuff

Darkest Red, Deepest Night

Deep within the confines of the enchanted Haelfern Forest, otherwise known as Darkwood to many of you, there exists a great many wondrous and/or dangerous creatures. The image you see before you is one such being. This is the dreaded Redcap. It is a ghoulish creature known to murder wayward travelers and dye their hats red with the blood of their victims.
Here, a Redcap is seen sitting on the body of old, fat Friar Phurnighan. Silly man, what was he doing in the woods?
Redcaps are only one of the many dangers lurking around the corners of the forest. Will our hardy band of fellows run into them? Or is this a moot drawing?

Chew

Beware the Monkey of ... Doom!

Ahhh ... kids. Wacky, wacky kids. My soon-to-be-one year old daughter is kicking my butt at night. She's decided that night time is playtime and by the time I put her to bed, I'm done. Well done. Oh yeah, big props to the inventor of the pacifier ... you rock, sir. Big time.

So what's up with the monkey? Uhm ... he's a mean monkey from ... er ... space? Yeah. Space. Oooh, and he's been genetically altered to ... ah ... fight stuff.

I am in no way stalling until I get some more stuff for Carnage Cream drawn. Nope. Not stalling at all. Monkey of Doom. Yep.

Monkeys are funny.

– Jeff Tuffenstuff

Zwieback, The Dwarf-Lord

So, here he is...Biskit reconstituted as Zwieback.
In this particular image, he is standing on the freshly slain corpse of the Infamous Red Troll of Ragmar (amongst his fellow trolls, he is known as "Tahr Pkatz'rrrta Utj Rrhrgh'mghrrr"). As Zwieback was carving out his empire, he needed to annex a certain Haelfern Forest...that wonderfully enchanted place also known as Darkwood (thought by many to contain great secrets and treasures). The Red Troll claimed himself as king of the forest (which he was obviously not, for he lived some thirty leagues away), so Zwieback did what came naturally to a conquering alpha male bastard. He took down his competition.

Chew

Biscuits in times of duress are good for the soul

I'm not sure if you remember this little guy. Several years ago, Jeff T. and I came up with the Biskit story. This is mentioned in a previous post (from Thursday, January 28, 2010). Biskit was a greedy and malevolent dwarf who was said to have killed his mother, thus causing the ostracization by his brothers and the dwarven community at large. Basically, he sucks and everyone hates him.
Slowly, he built his kingdom, and died leaving behind a vast, untold (and hidden) treasure. Jeff was going to do the writing and I was going to draw it. As things sometimes happen, we were never able to get the project out of the preliminary stage. But...we never forgot it. For a spell, I feared it was dead. That is, until AFTER I made the previous post.
Then I started thinking....Biskit exists in the same world as Carnage Cream. There is an unfulfilled idea out there shared by two people. Why not do something with it after all? Why just let it sit there and die? So, Biskit has been reconstituted as Zwieback, the Dwarf -Lord.

Probably will not be seeing him or his story for a while....but elements of his empire remain strewn throughout the landscape.

chewy

Sour Cream

Anybody creeped out by the picture of Heino in Chew's last post? I am. And I grew up listening and watching the guy. Who's Heino? He's a super duper famous german folk singer that could make old ladies swoon. He's the Sinatra of German Folk ... with shades that only got bigger and darker, and bigger and ... you get the point. Ahh, Germany. Oh how I miss the succulent chesticles of the Fatherland.

Sorry. Back on topic. Uhm ... cream. Chew and I have been talking about D&D – specifically monsters in the old first edition Fiend Folio and the various Monster Manuals. So, here's a Monster. Well, more of a pet really. Say hello to Kronk the Hob-Poggle, official mascot of Fandalf's School of Wizardry and Wonderment, inc. He's a cute, quiet little fellow as long as you keep him fed. And chained. And sedated. None of which he will be, of course, when the fellowship finds him in the School Cellar. In fact, the little guy guy will have a very sour disposition.

See how I worked the end there back into the main title?

I know. I'm Awesome.

- Jeff Tuffenstuff

Elfheim of Elfland, get thee gone

Well, things have been a little crappy on my end of the world, but no need to go into any wearying details. I do'nt really feel like writing anything, but a compulsion has led me here nonetheless. Jeff and I, amidst the chaos of life (what else would it be?), are still working on our Creamy Carnage Tales 2. AND....at a feverish pace I might add. With the way the book is going, you'll see it in a couple of years. If all goes as planned, it will be a MAJOR project. Big!
I'm really psyched about the whole thing. Because of previous posts, you might find this entry a tad redundant. But I am majorly psyched. I want to keep talking about it and doing research on Lord of the Rings, AD&D and just about any other nerdy fantasy crap we can totally skewer...whilst maintaining a healthy respect for it, mind you!
I have to tell you guys, one of Jeff's big gripes with L.O.T.R. is Tolkien's portrayals of the Elves as these noble, angelic, tall, effete, and mostly blonde spiritual, and totally pointy-eared beings of utter grace. I am with him on this one now. I, too, am tired of the watered-down version of creatures who used to be a bunch of feisty little asses. Just like what has happened to vampires (Twilight, yo. Vampire eunuchs who glitter. Yeah).
I want to see Elves as bastards again!
And no, they will not be featured in our book.

Oh, Jeff's doing fine, by the way.


ch ch ch chew

"A Musical Trip Through Hell"

What madness has possessed me to watch such a horrid thing? Have I fallen into the depths of some infernal conspiracy that seeks to infect my very soul with the fetid stench of corruption and damnation?
What, oh what is it that has brought this skein of destruction come belching out of the charnel house like some cursed, sticky web? Oh woe unto me, for I am watching that illest of ills....Staying Alive.
What can I say? This baby fell right into my hands! It seemed like a challenge to watch.
In the last 45 of my 36 years on this earth, I fully, honestly, naively believed that TROLL 2 was the crap that walked the land. Boy, I was wrong!
I have seen a lot of bad movies. I have seen tons of awful movies. I have seen a plethora of terrible movies. I have seen MUNCHIES in the theatre.
I have never, until this moment, seen a movie this bloody...damn...awful.
I have stared into that gaping maw of the abyss...and it is ugly!

Along with Troll 2 and Munchies, this is now first on my new unofficial list of "Charnel House Movies"....the worst of the worst.

Go see it NOW!


Chewmeupintolittlepieces

A Carnival of Carnage

Here's another character for the upcoming Carnage Cream II book: it's Mah-Ghoul the Man-Witch of Darkwood. He's in the middle of summoning a demon named Hanzohl, who will help him summon a flying beast named Greytohl. The main difference between witches and wizards is that wizards channel magic and witches are granted powers by the demons they summon. So why is Mah-Ghoul so important? Because in about five years or so he will be the first Man-Witch to coin the term "Warlock." Man-Witches all over the realms will come to use "Warlock" to describe themselves and sound kinda' cool forever after. Yep. That's his claim to fame. Oh, and of course he will have a small run-in with the fellowship. But that's another story ...

You guys should be proud of me for not coming with another awful play on the word cream.

Ugggh ... nnnnh ... Mice-Cream!

Sorry.

– Jeff Tuffenstuff

P.S. It's the 100th Blog Posting. Happy Bloggaversary! I'm drinking a Beer.

Even Ugly Has to Work

I've decided to take a little break from my drawing. My shoulder seems to be aching from working on this piece.
I've seen three movies this past weekend (or, at least, mostly seen three movies). So, I will give you a brief review during my respite.
The first was an old Italian 'giallo' from the early 70's entitled TORSO. For those of you who do not know, the giallos (yellow) were brainy forerunners of the slasher flicks of the 80's. When I mean brainy, I do not necessarily mean smart. I mean, they were highly over-the-top films with overly convoluted plots. Usually, hard to figure out what's going on, who's killing who, lots of red herrings, and a background story about the killer's motivations that seemingly come out of nowhere. You probably wo'nt be able to figure out what's happening until the very end (except for the fact that tons o' folks get offed). Torso is no exception to this description. It was very controversial at the time, and is not known as one of the better ones of the genre. However, something about it appealed to me. For one thing, it kept making me want to watch THE NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE (which is no gem, itself...but fun). Torso also came to represent a sort of death of the freewheeling 60's, which I found fascinating. It's definitely a forerunner of the American-styled slasher flicks (i.e. sex=death). Not really recommended for many of you. Borrow it.
Second, I went to see THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO in the theatre. This is a Swedish film. Since I have been living in a cave and stopped watching television, I never saw a preview, let alone heard about this movie or the books it was based off of (it's a trilogy, published posthumously after the author's death of heart attack at 50), I did'nt know what to expect. This is the first film in a trilogy (all of the films are finished now, but we in the U.S. have to wait a while). I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed this film. I was totally in the dark on it and I think I enjoyed it more for that reason (although, it is pretty good in its own right).
Interestingly, this movie was being shown at the theatre where FLUKE was being held. Jeff mentioned it to me and we marveled over the poster as we were waiting to get inside. Highly recommended. Except for illiterates.
The last is a work in process. I rented MACUMBA SEXUAL by the awesome/awful Jess Franco! It's basically a reworking of that tidy little number, Franco's earlier VAMPYROS LESBOS (the soundtrack is really good). This time, instead of a vampire seducing a thick German girl, it's a transexual voodoo priestess seducing a thick Spanish girl (in-famous Lina Romay, for those of you not in the know. Do'nt look any of her images up at your work computers!!!!).
Time being as it is, I have only been able to make it halfway through the flick. I am enjoying it thus far. Recommended for only perverts and sadocinemasochists. Enjoy!
Next on my list? SWEET MOVIE and SALO, OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM (again)! Let the pain continue!
ciao, mon amis...

A Fistful of Cream

Rootbeard the Ranger hates Curmites. They're foul green slimy nuisances with an appetite for livestock. I would love to say that this picture has something to do with Carnage Cream: Part Deux. It doesn't. I just like drawing Rootbeard.

Rootbeard, Carnage and Cream. Goes together like PB&J. Yummy.

– Jeff Tuffenstuff

The Night on Blood Mountain

Sorry, I really did'nt spend the night on Blood mountain, although I did drive up and down the thing. Actually, I stayed at a place close to Rocky Mountain. It was at a camp with an organic farm, which I actually did not get to visit because there was a band of small children blocking my path. Remembering Lord of the Flies, and not being a fan of children, much less people, in general, I went in the opposite direction up to see a trout pond. The trout said nicer things to me than the children would have.
This was my vacation to North Georgia, in my modest attempts to get out of Central Georgia. I had to get back into the mountains again. To see rapid inclines and declinations...to see odd, oversized tourists with their jeans tucked into their cowboy boots...to see quaint, not-so-German-German villages in the high north of Georgia (which, thankfully, I drove through and did not exit my car). I do'nt do well with tourists, either. Which is why I ended up where I ended up.
There, I was able to start and ALMOST finish the novel Kornwolf by Tristan Egolf. Not great, but really enjoyable. A little filthy and anarchic and totally manic book. Recommended to only a few of you. If you like Chuck Palahniuk, you might like this. Over the top, outrageous, and good for my brain...which was totally hellbent (against my desires) to relax, not do any work, sketching, drawing, painting, THINKING, writing, planning, scheming, collecting, et cetera, ad infinitum.
So I hiked, drove around N.GA, slept in laaaaate, and read.
It was a great little vacation! I was able to get out on the Appalachian Trail and tromp around on some strenuous switchbacks. I even saw bearsigns. Me, by my lonesome coming across ground that has been upended with bear spoor in the trail is not the most pleasing of prospects. From the tracks left behind (paw prints sans any claw marks) and what appeared to be snout marks (!!!!), I determined that it was probably a small black bear that had been rooting around the trail sometime during the night or morning. You better believe I picked up a stick for walking and defense! Luckily, that was as close as I came to the bears.
I saw many odd little creatures on my walk. Dozens of tiny little white butterfies, one big fat squirrel, large millipedes (two varieties: one black with yellow markings, the other black with pink and white), very large trail snails, something green and slimy, a massive orange cup fungus which looked like a pumpkin that exploded, a halo of gnats and flies and one very tempestuous deerfly.
I was only up there for a couple of days, but it was worth it. I've been locked away in the studio in the couple days since my return. I've got a new series of large drawings (idioplasts, if you'll recall) that I've started. Once I get back to work, J. and I will get back to the CREAM. I know that sounds bad, and I meant it to be, but it really is'nt what you think it may be, dear perverts, but then if you're a regular, you'll know what it is that I speak of. Speaking of...which...the Carnage Creamatorium made me want to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy again, as well as the Gormanghast series...
Being on the mountain has made me want to watch Valerie and Her Week of Wonders. Too much to do since I've been back! I still need to finish reading my damn book!
Oh bless me, I just sneezed.

Chewmeupagainintotinylittlepiecesbecausei'mfunnythatway

Creamy Encounter

Okay, the title of today's post is a little disturbing. Not that its meant to be. We are dealing with the second issue of Carnage Cream after all. Chew and I developing the story and although he is currently on vacation ... well, that doesn't stop me from drawing the minions that we will meet throughout the creamy realms. Enter ... Hilz Klayfoot. He's a lone centaur who has escaped from the clutches of his clan's greatest enemy. He needs help. Perhaps maybe and/or possibly the fellowship will come to the rescue?

Or will there be bloodshed and carnage?

Will I find a way to stop myself from coming up with other corny uses of the words "cream" and "carnage?"

Find out next week. Same blog. Same creamy time.

– Jeff Tuffenstuff

Well, it is the first day of my spring vacation! I am already on my second cup of coffee and have been in the studio working on one of my paintings. It is a 6 foot by 8 foot canvas that is part of a series revolving around a tornado that hit the street that I live on. Since the recent inclusion of yellow to my palette (a previously hated and untouched color), I have found that I'm able to generate some uniquely obnoxious colors. This seems to have been a missing ingredient for my paintings. Yellow. Who'da thought???
I needed to take a little break from the comics and paint a bit. I put in a lot of intensive mental power earlier this week on the Black Worm. Trying to figure a few things out, fix a couple of snags...you know. Marcolm and I have also been working on our Carnage Cream II tale (as we have been having meetings to brainstorm and plan the book). I must say, this looks like it's going to be a huge project. But as daunting as it appears, I am very excited about its possibilities.
Well, that's it now from the land of the GLOB. I'm off to paint!

Chew
S

Open auditions ...

Another brave new member of the fellowship.

- Jeff Tuffenstuff

So long, so gone, so far away...

More to come???
Yes, it has been so, so long since we last met. I meant to make my post earlier, but alas, it was not to be. Where Jeff's weekend was great...mine was horrible! Why? You ask? Well, you'll just have to guess!
Here, we have two more members from our new ultra-quest, the sequel (of sorts)to Carnage Cream. I'd like to say more, but it is all hush-hush. We have a not-so-secret meeting coming up to discuss the parameters of the story.
Wait, what are the police doing at my front door at five in the morning??? Looking for my neighbor? Awesome.
Yes, we have been busy trying to accomplish much in the land of the Glob. Too busy to write about it!

Chew

We missed you too ...

I spent the entire day at the pool with my kids. Playing. Watergun fights. Teaching them how to swim. My brother almost drowned me twice and made me bite my lip (he's a big guy and loves to wrestle). All of that on a stomach full of my Dad's barbecue. Free food provided by family. Yum. I thought I applied enough sunscreen. Hahaha! That's what I get for trusting myself to apply creamy sun blocker correctly. Who knew that prolonged exposure to the sun causes skin to burn? Sure, my shoulders are burnt to a crisp ...but it was my eight month old baby's first day at the pool. She splashed and drank some of the pool water ... and my mom popped me upside the head for letting her do it. It was a good day.

It's been over a month and it's time to get to work on our next project: A follow up to Carnage Cream (How ah met your muddah). The details are still hush-hush. But it's going to be a big book. Some members of the old Fellowship will return. New warriors will join. The new quest will be ridiculous and dangerous. And all of you get to decide how it ends.

Who's in the the new fellowship? Funny you should ask. Two of the members are above. More will follow ...

- Jeff Tuffenstuff

Fluke 2010

Fluke 2010 was awesome.

Chew and I left Columbus at 5:30 A.M. and arrived in Athens just before nine. We grabbed some coffee and decided to scope out the new Fluke location and saw that people were already lined up to rent tables. We rushed back to the car to grab our stuff and stand in line. The doors opened just a little before 11 A.M. and the line kept growing and growing. There is no way the old location at Tasty World would have been able to hold that many artists. The hall in Cine (Athen's indy theater) was just big enough. There was a bar and the coffee and beer started flowing at noon.

Chew and I did suprisingly well. Everyone who bought a copy of Flex Fantastic last year, picked up book II, which was exciting. Chew sold a lot of Hairball and Neutrino Valley.

Several friends of ours made the trip to Athens. Orion rented a table and premiered two of his comics. Roger picked up his friend Steve from Atlanta and arrived around noon.

The day went by quickly and we met a lot of people and hopefully, made some new friends. Fluke wrapped up around 6 P.M. We hooked up with our Columbus Posse and headed out to grab some dinner. We laughed, drank - discussed the new Doctor Who, Blake's 7 and B movies - and ate Thai. It was a 20 hour day and the trip home took forever but it was one of the best days I've had ... and from talking with Chew, I know he feels the same.

I just wanted to thank everyone who came out to see us. If you're new to this blog, please check out our ealier postings (starting at April 2009) for Carnage Cream/How ah met you Muddah. Please leave a comment. We'd love to hear from you!

Thank you, Patrick Dean, for throwing such a great event. Fluke rocks.

Special thanks again to Kennis, our unnofficial third member, for printing our books. Because of him, we were able to pass our savings on to everyone who bought a book this year.

And special thanks to Roger. You've just been made Globster Press Fan Club President!

Spread the word!

--Jeff Tuffenstuff

After a three hour car trip, full of Starbucks coffee and pastries, Chew(right)and I are ready to set up and sell our books at Fluke.


A close-up of Flex Fantastic Issue 2 and Carnage Cream at the Globster Press Table

Chew at the Globster Press Table at 11:00 A.M. That smile is scary, man! You're scaring the kids...


Roger, recently appointed President of the Globster Press Fan Club, reading one of Chew's comics. He drove 150 miles to come out and support us - and brought his friend, Steve. Roger now owns every comic we've done. He also sat at our table and shouted at attendees and helped sell books. A sea biscuit goes to anyone who can spot what's wrong with this picture!


5 P.M.: selling strong, all day long

Our fellow travelers and friends from Columbus: (left to right) Julie, Dan, Hannah, Orion and Steve. Orion also had a table at Fluke. His Sci-Fi comic After the Penal Colony is worth reading. If you come across it, please give it a try. Thanks for coming out to Fluke, guys!


6:04 P.M. Fluke's over. We're done. Bring on the next con!


Chew at Dinner. Excited to order Drunken Noodles and feeling pretty good about Fluke.


Roger and Steve at Dinner. Imitation meat? Huh? What?